So Far From Where I Intended To Go

Tibby
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I`m feeling pretty blue at the moment. Blue and empty inside. I feel the time passing by and I`m still here. It`s been better and it`s been much worse but it never goes away. Ever since I became ill I feel like I've never had a moment of peace. My mind is always going on a loop thinking of the...
Tibby
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What`s wrong with you ? Why don`t you smile more ? I can`t answer those questions : out loud to anyone anyway. I can admit it to myself though. What`s wrong with me ? For one thing I am terribly unhappy. For another I've been feeling horribly lonely lately. I do have my family and believe me I`m...
Tibby
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I`m listening to Morrissey`s song "Lost" right now. Which is exactly how I feel right now. I`m in an awful depression right now. I`m tired all the time and can`t find the motivation to get a whole lot done right now . I mean I try but I think some people might just think I`m being lazy. I hate...
Tibby
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I've been having sleepless nights. Nights are the worst for me. My mind races and goes through every worse case scenario. I hate when it starts to get dark now. It used to be quite the opposite. I used to wait for the night to come. I used to get a lot of things done. I also used to wait for...
Tibby
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I've been like this for years now. Ill that is. When I was first treated for mental illness I was treated for depression and anxiety. Now my diagnosis is bipolar 2 with panic disorder. I feel my depression more than hypomania. I've read a lot of people with bipolar 2 are also that way. I've...
Tibby
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I don`t remember the exact time I discovered this thing. This thing that made me feel better. This thing that brought me this strange form of relief. Even I know it`s a strange thing to do to yourself. It`s also weird that doing that to yourself takes you (temporarily) away from what`s going on...
Tibby
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I 've had trouble sleeping for a long time now. I have probably written before that I can`t sleep without the help of meds. I have racing thoughts and they seem to get worse at night. During the day there are distractions. Like errands I have to run and household things that need to get done...
Tibby
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It`s been a few years now since I last self injured. I still wear the marks it left. The scars are still there reminding me of what I did to myself. All the time I dragged the razor or scissors or a jagged piece of broken glass across my arm or the times I used cigarette lighters to burn myself...
Tibby
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This week has been difficult. I could barely drag myself out of bed yesterday. I just didn`t have the will to get up and face another day. In fact getting by day by day is really difficult for me. Just simple everyday things feel like a monumental tasks for me. I`m always so tired and have no...
Tibby
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I feel numb. I`m not sure if it`s the meds or not. I feel empty inside. I don`t seem capable of much these days. I look in the mirror and all I see is emptiness in my eyes. My body feels exhausted all the time. This illness takes so much from me. I don`t see my purpose in life. I don`t feel...
Tibby
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My week didn`t start out so well. I started the new med my psychiatrist prescribed to me last week and it didn`t agree with me. It made me sick to my stomach. I won`t be taking that again. When I saw him last week he also prescribed something that would help my anxiety during the day. I took it...
Tibby
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I think I`ve written before about my anxiety coming on when it gets dark outside. It used to be different with me. A couple of years or so I only used to sleep about every other night. I had/have really bad insomnia. Now I do sleep every night that`s if I take my meds. No meds means no sleep...
Tibby
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I can`t help feel that way tonight. I was just sitting here and a feeling of dread washed over me. I have my family and I love them but I can`t help feeling so lonely. When it gets dark it gets worse . I hate the night. My day went well enough but these awful feelings take over at night. I feel...
Tibby
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I still do. I feel so lonely in this illness. I celebrated a nice Thanksgiving with my family but I couldn`t help feeling lonely even surrounded by family.The thing is I felt alone because my sisters all have their spouses and kids and I don`t have any of that. I know that I don`t need anybody...
Tibby
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I think I hate this feeling of emptiness more than the depression. No....I think I hate both equally. I feel so empty inside right now. I wonder what my being on this earth is for. I feel like I don`t contribute anything. I feel so worthless. I am nothing ,nobody . Sometimes it takes everything...
Tibby
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I never thought my life would end up this way when I was growing up.Yet here I am. I started to become ill in my twenties. I didn`t know what was happening to me at first. I thought I must be going crazy. Turns out it was all too true. I can`t tell you how scary it was. It was/still is awful to...
Tibby
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I`m not sure when I accepted that I will never have some things in life that most people have.I just have accepted that fact.I don`t know if that`s giving up or being realistic.I know it`s mostly my fault.I was always too scared of everything.Afraid of rejection and afraid of being judged by...
Tibby
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I used to take comfort from that package of razor blades tucked away in the one of the drawers.That package is still there.I still have them but I don`t take comfort in that anymore.I haven`t done it in a long time and I promised someone that I wouldn`t do it again.Funnily enough I sometimes...
Tibby
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I feel lost.I feel lost in this life,in this world.I feel like there is no place for me and I feel I haven`t any purpose in life.I want to find my way I just don`t know how or where to start.Most people my age have already figured this out I guess. I just want my chance at a life I can be proud...
Tibby
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There are many things I`ve come to realize with illness or maybe it`s that I`ve lost hope.I don`t know which one it is.I`ve just been thinking a great deal about these things recently.More specifically I`ve been thinking about the things I`ll never have.I`m not trying to be negative or bitter or...

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