So Far From Where I Intended To Go

I wish I could just cry my heart out and let all of this out.I just can`t seem to do it though.I keep all of this inside me.It`s been getting harder to keep it in.I guess that`s probably one of the reason`s I used to hurt myself. I didn`t have another way of releasing those emotions.I`ve just...
Tibby
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I`ve been ill for many years now.I haven`t accomplished much of anything for the years I`ve been sick.When I became ill I had to drop out of school, so there went that.My sister`s have jobs and husbands and children and I have none of that. I`ve always felt so bad about myself that I never even...
Last year was very hard.Not only was the depression overwhelming but I also felt this enormous sense of emptiness.I felt like there was a huge void inside me,like there was nothing left at all.I felt very,very sad but at the same time I couldn`t feel anything at all. I started to get panic...
Things have been pretty difficult for me this year with my illness.The depression part of my illness is hitting me pretty hard this year.Not that it`s ever gone.It`s always with me and though it`s hard I`ve sort of come to accept that it will always be there.These past few months have been...
Tibby
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That`s how I feel sometimes.Like I am dead inside. Everything I see is grey.I can`t see color anymore.I can`t enjoy the things that once gave me pleasure. I feel so, so blue yet at the same time feel nothing. I can`t feel happy.I`ve come to dread the night when the anxiety usually hits me. All I...
I`ve come to dread the night.It`s the time I feel most afraid.It`s when I can`t sleep or stop those crowded,rapid thoughts from overwhelming me. It`s also the time when I feel most like hurting myself.Sometimes it helps to turn those thoughts off.It helps me when I can`t stop thinking.That`s why...
Tibby
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I went to the psych today. I told him my anxiety was still very bad and that I still was having trouble sleeping. He prescribed lithium for me today. I`m really,really scared to take it after reading all about the side effects online.He thinks it might help with someone with my...
No sleep tonight I guess.Maybe the meds will kick in a little later but then again maybe they won`t. I lay down and close my eyes..... the thoughts keep spinning around my head.I can`t rest or relax. I want to sleep and at least have some peace from this.But of course I just can`t stop them...
That`s what the psych said when he asked me how I was and I said I was okay. He told me I was the saddest person he had seen in a while. I guess I`m good at something after all. The wait was long today as I sat in that uncomfortable waiting room. I like the psych he`s nice but the...
Tibby
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I keep trying.I feel like I`ve tried everything.This pill and that pill.Psychs and therapists.Everything short of ECT.One of my psychs once recommended it because he said "we`ve tried everything".See I told you I`ve tried everything.I didn`t take that recommendation though because ECT can really...
I can`t sleep again.I am physically and mentally exhausted,I am so frustrated with myself.I feel this horrible anxiety sitting on my chest.All I want to do is sleep like a normal person.I am so tired of this.I don`t know how much more of this I can take.I want to scream. I want to release this...
Tibby
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I have my ok days and bad days.I have my ups and downs. I mostly try to keep it together.Though there are some days when it becomes more difficult than others.On those days I usually turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms that I am not proud of. They have left me scarred and marked for life.I`m so...
I was sitting here with my head in my hands thinking about how to start this entry.When I`m in one of these states sometimes my brain refuses to work. I feel so useless and worthless.My body,my heart,my soul ache.My body actually hurts.I could barely get out of bed today.I finally got up just...
Tibby
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I`m listening to this as I sit here and type.This is so damn good.Smiler with knife has to be my favorite so far.So,so beautiful. I have to say I am loving every minute of it.It made me forget about my cymbalta withdrawal. :D I`m just so happy to be hearing this God I love is Morrissey !I know...
These med changes are driving me up the wall.I can`t sleep I can`t do anything.It really sucks to come off Cymbalta.The new psych is taking me off the anti depressants. He`s taking me off them because he says they basically do nothing for bipolar disorder.The new med he put me on is latuda. I...
Tibby
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I am falling into the depression side of this illness. It never goes completely away though.I don`t want to leave my bedroom.I have no motavation,my bones ache and I don`t have any energy. They`ve sent me to a new doc.I`m on my third psych now.They`ve changed my meds again.I`m tired of all...
Tibby
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I was at the Morrissey show in L.A. I have to say it was an awesome show.It wouldn`t have been possible without my wonderful family.My sister and brother in law took me to Los Angeles to see the concert.My mom took care of their children so they could take me.Right now I completely filled with...
I have not been doing too well.I am having trouble sleeping again.For a little while I was sleeping almost every day.Some nights I just can`t get my brain to turn off and this is after 45 mgs of mirtazipine and 1mg of lorazepam. I miss the f**cking seroquel that one really makes you sleep. I...
That`s what I feel like life is like for me at the moment.My psych diagnosed me as bipolar I. I`m stuck in this really,really hard depresssion right now.I don`t have any energy.I feel lifeless and numb.Then everything hurts so much.I want to cry.Cry all the time.I want to stay in bed and not get...
I feel like I`m sinking.My depression is taking over.I can barely get out of bed.And the thing is I don`t really want to.I`m down in the deep dark pit.The meds aren`t helping.My former psych once suggested ect ...maybe I should have taken him up on it.The thing that scared me about it was memory...

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