I think I`ve written before about my anxiety coming on when it gets dark outside. It used to be different with me. A couple of years or so I only used to sleep about every other night. I had/have really bad insomnia. Now I do sleep every night that`s if I take my meds. No meds means no sleep. Anyway I used to be a real night owl. But that changed when I had awful panic attacks hit me at night. I came to dread the night. I guess I still kind of do. I hate it when it gets dark in the evening.
I also used to hate going to bed. As I lay my head down to try to sleep that`s when all these awful thoughts would invade my brain. I couldn`t shut off my brain. It`s kind of like that during the day too my racing thoughts. I would just pray for the medication to kick in so I could get some sleep.
The night was also when I would self harm. I would wait until everyone was asleep so I wouldn`t be caught or interrupted. I knew it wasn`t a very healthy way to cope but at the time it was the only way I could release everything I was holding on to inside. It let me breathe for a little while. I know it`s difficult to understand why someone would do that to themselves. It was the only way I could express what I was feeling at the time. I really scared my family when they found out. After they found out my mother hid all the knives in the house. I felt really humiliated when she did that but I don`t blame her at all because she was just frightened that one day I would go to far. She was afraid I was suicidal. I`m not going to lie I did think about because I just wanted the pain and torment inside of my head to just end.
I don`t self harm anymore. I haven`t for a couple of years now. I still feel like I don`t have any way to release what`s going on inside of me. Maybe writing about it helps a little bit. I`m the kind of person that doesn`t want to talk about it. That`s probably why I hated therapy so much. I don`t like talking about it. I don`t know why that is. I`ve never been a talkative person. It`s sometimes difficult for me to make conversation with those I really don`t know. I guess I`m a pretty awkward person. I guess this and drawing a little bit are the only ways I can really express myself.
Anyway that`s why the night is a difficult time for me.
I also used to hate going to bed. As I lay my head down to try to sleep that`s when all these awful thoughts would invade my brain. I couldn`t shut off my brain. It`s kind of like that during the day too my racing thoughts. I would just pray for the medication to kick in so I could get some sleep.
The night was also when I would self harm. I would wait until everyone was asleep so I wouldn`t be caught or interrupted. I knew it wasn`t a very healthy way to cope but at the time it was the only way I could release everything I was holding on to inside. It let me breathe for a little while. I know it`s difficult to understand why someone would do that to themselves. It was the only way I could express what I was feeling at the time. I really scared my family when they found out. After they found out my mother hid all the knives in the house. I felt really humiliated when she did that but I don`t blame her at all because she was just frightened that one day I would go to far. She was afraid I was suicidal. I`m not going to lie I did think about because I just wanted the pain and torment inside of my head to just end.
I don`t self harm anymore. I haven`t for a couple of years now. I still feel like I don`t have any way to release what`s going on inside of me. Maybe writing about it helps a little bit. I`m the kind of person that doesn`t want to talk about it. That`s probably why I hated therapy so much. I don`t like talking about it. I don`t know why that is. I`ve never been a talkative person. It`s sometimes difficult for me to make conversation with those I really don`t know. I guess I`m a pretty awkward person. I guess this and drawing a little bit are the only ways I can really express myself.
Anyway that`s why the night is a difficult time for me.