Fear and (self) Loathing

I am so tired.
I'm worried sick about everything and sat staring into space for hours last night when I should have been sleeping.
My problems seem to have no solutions. I know this isn't really the case, but because I can't come up with any answers, it might as well be. Most of the issues are money related. Everything crucial, that so many other things are hinging upon, could be fixed with money. There are really very few things in life that throwing some money at won't fix.
And I have never been in a situation where I couldn't creatively raise money, in magical/miracle fashion.
I should have known that the luck would one day run out.
I am so preoccupied, distracted, under medicated.
I have recently discovered a new dimension in self-loathing. I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I don't even know me anymore. I have felt disconnection with my reflection a few times in my life, but this is different. Part of it is that I am trying to process changes in myself, and re-adjust my self image accordingly. The thing is, I just don't like what I see.
I've always been really harsh on me, highly critical, applying blame in over abundance, in many cases, when things weren't really my fault. I guess it's a sort of massive ego that leads a person to believe they are the cause of circumstances that they really aren't.
A massive ego with serious self-esteem problems. Only I could arrange for something that twisted!
I'm just sick of it all. I have been able to accomplish so many things in my time, some of those things might have even been impossible, and I was just that damn determined to make them happen.
Where am I now? Why can't I rush in and save me this time? f***ing pathetic.
There has to be a way to fix this. And I have to find it.


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