For once in my life........

We went out again yesterday, we always have so much fun talking and laughing.
We played hangman on the way back, swapping the small note pad back and forth, every time our fingers touched.....
I started to feel the compulsion to tell him how I felt, I knew it was a bad idea and would just make things weird between us but the urge got stronger and stronger. I started to use my hangman answers as hints, he knew there was something I needed to say but I kept talking round it, I couldn't say it out loud. I didn't want to see his expression change to one of confusion or even disgust. I wrote it down, ripped the page out of the notebook and folded it up, 'I compare all these dates to you, and I always prefer you' It was the most watered-down way to say it, it's not like I could put 'I've fallen for you so hard my heart hurts. I think about you all day and night, you are becoming my everything.' I thought of slipping it into his pocket as we got off the train but I knew he'd notice. So after we hugged goodbye I just gave it to him, he said "I thought you'd do that" and immediately started opening it, I told him to only do that if he wanted to and ran to the bus stop so I didn't have to watch. What followed were a series of txts between us:

Him- I sort of guessed that from the conversations we had, and when I say I don't blame you, that's not just my ego talking. I wouldn't expect you to be happy with most of the people you've met, but there are people even better then me out there (my ego didn't like that idea at all!) is that what's been worrying you? xx

me- Somewhat, I don't want to make you uncomfortable and I don't want you to feel pressured by it. It doesn't have to change anything between us (but let me know if you do change your mind :p) I've dealt with this before and I'm sure I will do again so just don't get all freaked out.

Him- I was expecting something much worse! it's not a problem for me unless you're worrying about something because you don't feel you can talk to me about it. Thankyou for telling me, it doesn't change anything and I've not stopped caring about you :) xx

Maybe you've heard that before? xx

Me- Thankyou, yeah as I was talking round it I thought if I ended up having to say it then the building might have the Brightside of making it not seem as bad :p I don't know if I can talk to you about it, whether there'll be a point where it'll stop being an ego massage and start being uncomfortable or irritating for you. I've never talked to the person involved about it.

Him- People change, and I can't guarentee that I'll always be the same awesome person I am now, but I can't imagine what would make me decide I don't care about someone anymore. I've been on the receiving end of that to, maybe by our age people have grown out of that sort of betrayal?! certainly hope so. xx

Me- Oh age has nothing to do with it hon, people are capable of the worst things no matter who or what they are but as long as it's not like that with us we can at least be confident in that. xx

Him- Yeah it's emotional maturity I'm thinking of rather then age, we can do that! xx

Me- We can, I will be more inclined not to talk to you about this particular subject but if you feel that's what I'm doing feel free to remind me I can talk to you about it xx

So there you have it, now I have to figure out exactly how much he means that, how much I can say to him before he will leave me. I wish so much he could just see me as I see him.

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