Giving Up Or Being Realistic

I`m not sure when I accepted that I will never have some things in life that most people have.I just have accepted that fact.I don`t know if that`s giving up or being realistic.I know it`s mostly my fault.I was always too scared of everything.Afraid of rejection and afraid of being judged by other people.I was/am always scared of being hurt.That is a terrible way to live.

This illness certainly hasn`t made things easier.I have my bad days and I have my okay days.But it`s really difficult to deal with this a great deal of the time.I go from feeling really sad and wanting to cry about everything to not being able to feel anything.At those times I feel really empty and numb.Then sometimes I also have to deal with being hypo manic.Sometimes that feels good and I just want to do everything.Those times have been few and far between.I mostly deal with the depression side of this illness.At times I haven`t any motivation and have a hard time getting of bed.I don`t want to go out or anything I just want to stay in bed.Then there`s the thoughts that torment me.They just like to tell me about every bad thing that could happen.They bother me the most at night when I am trying to get to sleep.Sleep is another story.I haven`t been able to get to sleep without meds in a very long time.

Sometimes I wonder what my purpose in life is.I feel like I don`t matter.I wonder why I was put here on this earth.Sometimes I hate myself because they`re are other people who have it worse that I do.What right do I have to feel this way.I know this illness isn`t my fault but I can`t help feeling that way.I want to feel better and get on with life but sometimes I can`t see the light at the end of the tunnel.Anyway where do I start?

Comments

If you're open to it, you might want to check out a past life regression therapist. Sometimes trauma from previous lifetimes are carried over into this one and can be cleared through proper acknowledgment of the issue and simple therapies. I think Western medicine can only go so far, and after awhile ends up hurting a lot of people who could benefit from a more spiritual approach. There's some good books by Brian Weiss called Only Love Is Real and Many Lives, Many Masters. Quick, easy reads and very fascinating. You have a right to feel all of your feelings and to love yourself through it all. Hope this helps.
 
I've thought about the "giving up versus being realistic" issue.

If giving up habits of thought and feeling that only mess with my life - and consequently the lives of my friends sometimes - then those habits are worth "giving up." I'm trying to give up habits like black and white thinking and making one case of x happening the rule and other cognitive distortions. In these cases, for me, giving up is also realistic. Due to illness, my view of the world is far from accurate. Or it might be more accurate to say my perception of the world I inhabit. Because I'm only perceiving phenomena, interpreting what happens. And I can decide what to do about my habit of looking at things through a web of cognitive distortions.

On another front, giving up can be a relief: I am never going to be a grandmaster level chess player. I probably won't even make it to master level! I will never play basketball professionally. Tap dancing isn't going to happen again. And so on. I'm okay with these non-events because there are plenty of other interests to take their place. Like language learning and writing my poems and essays.

In other words, giving up, in my opinion, can mean giving up on what isn't healthy, or what's maladaptive and replacing those habits and undoable goals with new ones that are meaningful. And I'm still working on what's meaningful for me. I have some decent ideas now. It's taken some thought and reflection and more time than I'd like. Based on my experience and what I've read on the subject of personal meaning, it derives from a person's values. For example, I value creativity and problem solving and ethics. Now that I've identified what my major values are, it's been a little easier figuring out what's meaningful for me at age x.

I hope this finds you well!

Your,

S.
 

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Tibby
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