Release Me

My week didn`t start out so well. I started the new med my psychiatrist prescribed to me last week and it didn`t agree with me. It made me sick to my stomach. I won`t be taking that again. When I saw him last week he also prescribed something that would help my anxiety during the day. I took it today and it made me feel tired. I also take it at night. My meds tend to make me sleep a lot and if I don`t take them I don`t sleep at all. I think they make me feel numb and lifeless or maybe it`s the illness itself. I don`t know.

When I`m feeling my worst sleeping too much doesn`t matter much to me . Sometimes sleep is the only escape from my mind. The same goes for feeling numb. At least I`m not feeling the pain. I think that`s one of the reasons I used to self harm. I wanted to feel alive. At the moment I don`t feel alive I just feel like I`m existing. I feel dull and lifeless.

I have a plastic box where I kept my self harm tools. My tool of choice were razor blades. I also used broken glass,craft knives ect.. I even used cigarette and candle lighters to hurt myself. Anyway I also kept bandages and gauze and medical tape in there to tend to my wounds. I still have that plastic box and a package of fresh blades in a dresser drawer . I don`t know why I`ve kept them . They all just tempt me to go back and start that again.
I passed by the candle lighters in the store and I was tempted to buy one. I wonder if the temptation is ever going to go away or am I always going to long for that release. I`m not going to lie I miss that release. I could breath free and easy after that . I usually went to sleep after that. Sleep doesn`t usually come easy for me without meds. Of course there is a price to pay for that. Just ask my scars. I hate them. I hate what I`ve done to myself and I have to live with it every day.

I don`t know what I`m going to do. I don`t know what to do. My body and mind are exhausted. I want to feel something other than this, I don`t want to be numb but I don`t want to hurt anymore. I want happiness and I want my life to be meaningful. I just don`t know how to achieve that with this illness. Sometimes I think it`s too late and that life has passed me by.

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Tibby
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