The Move-Me Awards

The film awards season has officially closed—ending with The 83 Academy Awards. Predictably, The King's Speech won big—Best Film, Director, Original Screenplay, Actor—Colin Firth. Geoffrey Rush, however, lost to Christian Bale. My choices were mostly overlooked with one exception being Natalie Portman winning Best Actress. It was painful to watch the Oscars this year. Although it took off with a bang with the montage of Franco and Hathaway digitally cut into the ten nominated films, it was all downhill from there. Kirk Douglas had no business presenting an award with that arrogant, pervy, irritating schtick. I wanted to choke him. How degrading for those Best Supporting Actress nominees to be held captive to this man. It was so wrong! Then that final closing with the children's choir. As Simon Cowell says best, absolutely dreadful. I must have short term memory loss. Because I was excited to see the Oscars this year. I thought it would be fresh and clever as James Franco and Anne Hathaway were co-hosting. But this wasn't to be. Instead it was rotten and dull. And I realized that my film tastes are not in sync with the Academy's. My picks are closer to those of The Independent Spirit Awards e.g. James Franco for Best Actor, Darren Aronofsky for Best Director, Exit Through The Gift Shop for Best Documentary, Matthew Libatique/Black Swan for Best Cinematography. The King's Speech did win an award at the Indie Awards i.e. Best Foreign Film. How funny is that?

So then, next year I think I'll tune into The Independent Spirit Awards and skip the Oscars. Of course, short term memory loss could return next year, and thus, you'll find me joyfully anticipating the Oscars once again.

In the meantime, I have devised a pretty long list of award categories related to film. I have selected winners for each. Some of them are silly. But all of them are inspired by the wonderful films that have moved me over my lifetime. Of course my picks say much more about me than they say about objective film critique.

1. Most Fabulous Adventure Film Raiders of the Lost Arc
2. Thrilling Thriller The Silence of the Lambs
3. Scary, Scary The Ring (American)
4. Most Terrifying Witch Blair Witch in The Blair With Project
5. Buckets of Tears Life is Beautiful
6. Favorite Animated Toy Story 3
7. Love Story Titanic
8. Non-English Betty Blue
9. Period Piece A Room With a View
10. Children's Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
11. Comedy My Cousin Vinny
12. Musical Moulin Rouge
13. Dance Movie Billy Elliot
14. Life-Affirming 127 Hours
15. Existential Vanilla Sky
16. Action Speed
17. Romantic Comedy The Wedding Singer
18. Best Soundtrack The Wedding Singer
19. Worst Soundtrack Less Than Zero
20. Biographical Documentary Kurt Cobain: About a Son
21. Human Interest Doc Grey Gardens (1975)
22. Music Doc Stop Making Sense
23. Nature Doc Encounters at the End of the World
24. Original and Cool as Hell Doc Exit Through The Gift Shop
25. What The f***? Even Dwarfs Started Small
26. Visual/Musical Score Combo Lessons of Darkness
27. Ecstatic Truth Grizzly Man
28. Holocaust Themed Sophie's Choice
29. War Era Love Story Atonement
30. Convincing Performance Mickey Rourke as Randy "The Ram" in The Wrestler
31. Stoner Film Pineapple Express
32. Best Brooder Ethan Hawke as Troy Dyer in Reality Bites
33. Hottest Baddest Gladiator Russel Crowe in Gladiator
34. Sexiest Psychopath Male Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman in American Psycho
35. Sexiest Psychopath Female Sharon Stone as Catherine Tramell in Basic Instinct
36. Sexiest Male Keanu Reeves as Jack Traven in Speed
37. Sexiest Female Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft in Tomb raider
38. Best Assassin Javier Bardem as Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men
39. Favorite Misfit Edward Scissorhands
40. Sexiest Drug Addict Matt Dillon as Bob Hughes in Drugstore Cowboy
41. Best Addiction Movie Requiem For a Dream
42. Sexiest Superhero Male Christian Bale as Batman in Batman Begins
43. Bad-ass Teenager Christian Slater as J.D. in Heathers
44. Worst Actress Jennifer Aniston
45. Best Rant Ed Norton, as Monty, in f*** You scene in 25th Hour
46. Most Likable Racist Male Edward Norton as Derek Vinyard in American History X
47. Most Likable Racist Female Kate Winslet as Hanna Schmitz in The Reader
48. Hottest Bod Male Christian Bale in American Psycho
49. Hottest Bod Female Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler
50. Most Adorable Female Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde
51. Most Adorable Male Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic
52. Most Likable Male With Mental Health Issues James Spader as Graham Dalton in Sex, Lies, and Videotape
53. Most Likable Female With Mental Health Issues Angelina Jolie as Lisa Rowe in Girl Interrupted
54. Best Psychopath Male Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter
55. Best Psychopath Female Joan Cusack as Cheryl Lang in Arlington Road
56. Boy Who Needs A Hug Timothy Hutton as Conrad Jarret in Ordinary People
57. Coldest Mother Mary Tyler Moore as Beth Jarrett in Ordinary People
58. Nurturing Father Donald Sutherland as Calvin Jarrett in Ordinary People
59. Quirky Love Story Benny and Joon
60. Best Chew-out Nicholas Cage chewed-out by the President in Guarding Tess
61. Christmas Comedy Christmas Vacation
62. Sexiest Juvenile Delinquent C. Thomas Howe as Pony Boy in The Outsiders
63. Best Conspiracy Film Arlington Road
64. Best Use of a Boom-box John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything
65. Evolution Themed Jurassic Park