The Scars Still Linger

It`s been a few years now since I last self injured. I still wear the marks it left. The scars are still there reminding me of what I did to myself. All the time I dragged the razor or scissors or a jagged piece of broken glass across my arm or the times I used cigarette lighters to burn myself. Sometimes I can`t believe what I`ve done to myself and I am disgusted by what I see when I look at my scars. Other times I miss the relief it used to bring. That moment when I could breathe again. I still fight the urge when things get bad again. But then I remember the price I payed for those little moments of peace. Or what I thought was peace or relief. I`m sad to say I can`t remember the last time I felt peace. My mind is always racing. That`s probably why I need medication just to sleep.

I used to think of the marks as battle scars. Now I think they are just ugly and they remind me of what led to me doing that to myself. The awful depression. That awful depression still lives within me. I feel it always with me. If I find myself having a good moment there is always something that taps me on the shoulder and reminds me that is still there with me. I hate it. I hate it so much. It has stolen so much from me. I often wonder what my life would be like without it. I feel so useless and worthless. I hate myself.

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Sorry, I got nothing, cept one day at a time, and maybe that bad habits are really more about practicing them so the longer you don’t then that’s a good habit, for me all I have to is look at the wreck of the bottom row of my teeth, destroyed by drugs and alcohol, and it helps remind me not to, meetings help too though...
 
Yeah I think you're right Robby. Maybe I should let my scars remind me of what I shouldn't do. My first psychiatrist told me one day I would have to face my feelings rather than just handling them in a self destructive ways. Thanks for your comments Robby. :):)
 

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