What I`ve Come To Realize

There are many things I`ve come to realize with illness or maybe it`s that I`ve lost hope.I don`t know which one it is.I`ve just been thinking a great deal about these things recently.More specifically I`ve been thinking about the things I`ll never have.I`m not trying to be negative or bitter or anything like that.It`s just that I`ve come (right or wrong) to accept these things because of the hand I`ve been dealt.

I`ve learned that I`ll never have certain things in life that a lot of people take for granted.Things like never having my own children or even having a significant other.The latter being my own fault because I was always too scared of rejection or getting hurt.My self esteem is lower than the floor.I`ve never thought I was good enough for anybody.I`ve been told "things can change" "it can still happen for you.Maybe it`s because I`m ill or maybe I`m just a worthless loser but I don`t believe those things anymore. I know this all sounds negative but honestly I don`t mean to be.It just hurts too much to hope for these kind of things anymore.I`m so tired of feeling sad all the time or feeling nothing at all. I just feel generally hopeless.Right now I feel like things will never get better.Even though I`m going through this I`m still grateful for all the things I do have like a very supportive mother and other family.Like I love spending time with my little nieces and nephews.I `m grateful for my creativity.What I`d like most in the world(besides basic needs) is peace of mind.I just want everything to be ok.

Comments

It is not negative. Peace of mind, we all look, and me too.

Take care.
 
i hear you, Tibby. I haven't had a S.O. And I won't ever have kids, which in my case is great. A life that involves chronic illness - depression and anxiety and... - does require more understanding of oneself in order just to get by. At least that is what I've found. Accepting the present as it is is a healthy approach to life, imo. Acknowledging that you felt shitty when you wrote your post is reasonable and healthy and a start, possibly, to doing something else. I wouldn't claim to know what that "something else" is, however. I'm trying to figure out my "something else" as well. Like you, I have my basic needs covered for the most part. I definitely feel grateful for that. It isn't greedy to want more, I think. It's just very difficult to find out what will make my life meaningful. And then how to bring that about.

I hope you're feeling a bit better today :)

Best,

S.
 

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