Morrissey Central "Alert!" (October 26, 2020)

unnamed.png


 
A

Anonymous

Guest
"The passing of time, and all of its sickening crimes, is making me sad again..." :disrelieved:

ESNOqgkXYAEQm-S.jpg
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
174 days of waiting, but a little birdie has told me this might be published soon, especially now news of the new album has come out.
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
Hope everyone is still feeling alert. We're over 250 days now. Wonder if we'll make it to day 1,000? :)
 

GirlAfraidWillNeverLearn

Well-Known Member
Hope everyone is still feeling alert. We're over 250 days now. Wonder if we'll make it to day 1,000? :)

Unfortunately not. We'll done, @all for staying alert for over 250 days though. Maybe next time we can make it to 300...?
 

Barking

Well-Known Member
Hi all!

ALERT! HA HA.

I shoot hoops with Sammy so got my hands on the New Interview. I know you guys can't wait OR CAN YOU? HAHAHALERT! Ha.Ha. Anyway here's a sneak peek. Enjoy. xxx Val.

S.E.R: So, Uncle, I ran out of questions so I asked people to write some on a piece of paper and put them in my cap and we're going to draw some out.
M: Have you read them?
S.E.R: Well, no, but I have an assistant now.
M: Has HE read them?
S.E.R: No, why?
M: Nevermind. Fire away.

S.E.R. Okay. This first question is from, er, anonymous: "Morrissey, you say people are happier with their own race, but I'm the same race as you, and if I had to pick a Steven I'd pick Steven Yeun. How do you explain that?"
M: Nobody is the same race as me.
S.E.R: Except me.
M: Well obviously. You're family.
S.E.R: I've known you all my life and we've all been Cretinians for as long as I can remember.
M: Yes, anyway. It's probably because I don't play guitar. That stupid question is obviously from Nile Marr.
S.E.R: Oh I HATE that guy!! AND his dad!!
M: Next.
S.E.R. Okay Uncle, this next question is from ...Anonymous, Victorville:"Morrissey: somebody on the internet recently said your nephew was your son. Does that mean you actually slept with your sister? lol"
M: To that I say...Can't Sisters Be Brothers?
S.E.R: Eh? Sorry Uncle, are you asking me?

S.E.R: Soooo, Uncle, can I publish the interview now?
M: Of course, buddy.
S.E.R: Isn't that a dog's name?
M: It can if you want it to be. But I was just trying to sound like an American dad.
S.E.R: Oh okay. Seeing as you're my real daddy and all that. Got it. So this goes on Central, yeah?
M: Don't say "yeah". Yes, I just have to rewrite the questions.
S.E.R: Like, in English?
M: Yeah. Add a few words with more than one syllable in them, some feeble attempts at humour...
S.E.R: HahaHastute! ...But Uncle, they"ll know it's not me! Or they'll think I'm on crack cocaine!
M: Precisely. I want them to think all my money is going to go to a drug addict after my death. Not one Swiss franc will be used in a positive way. My next album is 100% Jesse "El CoYote PaSA" Tobias. There is nothing worth living anymore. I want them to FEEL MY PAIN.
S.E.R: They deserve that, Uncle.
M: ...Then, quite unexpectedly, when they've grovelled in tears in the dirt for hours and they are ready to give up on Life,...I shall announce the Return of Alain.
S.E.R: I don't get it, Uncle.
M: That's because to you I'm like a David Bowie song. But not a very good one. To you I'm "Jump they say."
S.E.R: What, Uncle, now?
M: No.When we're on the plane to Vegas.
S.E.R: I thought I was going to die from chickenpox.
M: That again! Buddy, stop believing everything you see on the internet!
S.E.R: They scare me, Uncle.
M: I know. I know. But we still want them back in 2022. Now they know they'll have to skip the next album, you'll have a few months' peace. They'll stop making fun of you, you'll see.
S.E.R: You're doing this to protect me!
M: Well that's what you'll tell Ariana Grande if she ever asks- Now, buddy, is your suitcase for Albania ready?
 

Barking

Well-Known Member
A thread that everybody stopped reading once they got their interview...
They think it's all over...
But it is now!
Altrincham Adventures/ part 2


S.E.R: Uncle, you've been sitting in the garden for four days now. You sure you're O.K.?
M: I am perfectly allright, Nephew. I am simply trying to remember the name of this plant.
S.E.R: -That one there? That's easy, Uncle! It's a toolip.
M: A what?
S.E.R: A toolip.
M: ...No, I'm sure that's wrong. Say "Cool Whip"?
S.E.R: ToolHip?
M: Why do you put so much emphasis on the H?
S.E.R: Well Uncle: I've noticed foreigners often drop theirs, so I'm saying mine extra good, that way people won't think I'm one and I won't fall off the boat when we're in St Tropez.
M:I gather you mean you don't want to drown in the Mediterranean like a migrant. But that's not where we're going this summer, Sam, remember?
S.E.R.Yes. God it's hot Uncle, don't you fancy an ice-cream?
M: As a matter of fact I do.That's why you're leaving for Sicily in 18 minutes.You're to find a good vegan gelateria there. But make sure you're back before sunset, I can't have pudding after dark.
S.E.R: Uncle, can I show you something on Uncle Central?
M: What's that? Looks like... a retouched smug-looking boomer...is stopping a defenceless little old lady from ...exercising freedom of speech...Interesting. I can feel a song coming. He must be an off-duty policeman...
S.E.R: No, that man is you, Uncle.
M: Really? Fascinating. What's the internet's reaction?
S.E.R: "Looks like the bereaved gay misogyn has found a new hobby: disrespecting old widows."
M: That doesn't sound very flattering.
S.E.R: No, Uncle, the little old lady is the Queen, so it makes it all okay, don't worry!
M: Right! I was worried this might make me look like a bully with zero sense of timing but I trust my Mother's grandson with my life.
S.E.R:...Who's that, then?
M: Sam. That ice-cream is getting cold.
S.E.R: Oh right, sorry Uncle! I'm off. Wait- Can you hear? Somebody's chanting outside. "It's coming home", Uncle!
M. What's coming home? 30 years of hurt?
S.E.R: Whatever it is, Uncle, it doesn't sound very supportive...Bye bye!
 

Hovis Lesley

Well-Known Member
A thread that everybody stopped reading once they got their interview...
They think it's all over...
But it is now!
Altrincham Adventures/ part 2


S.E.R: Uncle, you've been sitting in the garden for four days now. You sure you're O.K.?
M: I am perfectly allright, Nephew. I am simply trying to remember the name of this plant.
S.E.R: -That one there? That's easy, Uncle! It's a toolip.
M: A what?
S.E.R: A toolip.
M: ...No, I'm sure that's wrong. Say "Cool Whip"?
S.E.R: ToolHip?
M: Why do you put so much emphasis on the H?
S.E.R: Well Uncle: I've noticed foreigners often drop theirs, so I'm saying mine extra good, that way people won't think I'm one and I won't fall off the boat when we're in St Tropez.
M:I gather you mean you don't want to drown in the Mediterranean like a migrant. But that's not where we're going this summer, Sam, remember?
S.E.R.Yes. God it's hot Uncle, don't you fancy an ice-cream?
M: As a matter of fact I do.That's why you're leaving for Sicily in 18 minutes.You're to find a good vegan gelateria there. But make sure you're back before sunset, I can't have pudding after dark.
S.E.R: Uncle, can I show you something on Uncle Central?
M: What's that? Looks like... a retouched smug-looking boomer...is stopping a defenceless little old lady from ...exercising freedom of speech...Interesting. I can feel a song coming. He must be an off-duty policeman...
S.E.R: No, that man is you, Uncle.
M: Really? Fascinating. What's the internet's reaction?
S.E.R: "Looks like the bereaved gay misogyn has found a new hobby: disrespecting old widows."
M: That doesn't sound very flattering.
S.E.R: No, Uncle, the little old lady is the Queen, so it makes it all okay, don't worry!
M: Right! I was worried this might make me look like a bully with zero sense of timing but I trust my Mother's grandson with my life.
S.E.R:...Who's that, then?
M: Sam. That ice-cream is getting cold.
S.E.R: Oh right, sorry Uncle! I'm off. Wait- Can you hear? Somebody's chanting outside. "It's coming home", Uncle!
M. What's coming home? 30 years of hurt?
S.E.R: Whatever it is, Uncle, it doesn't sound very supportive...Bye bye!
That’s not bad at all. Good effort.
 

Barking

Well-Known Member
A desert road from Vegas to nowhere
Or is it from nowhere to Vegas?
Although it could also be from nowhere to nowhere...
Anyway, bang in the middle of it, there's no escaping





Altrincham Adventures/ part 3


S .E.R :IT’S COMING HOME ! IT’S COMING HOME, Aaaargh, WINTER is coming hOoOme !

M : Oh give it a rest won’t you ? It’s been weeks ! Pull yourself together, Nephew!

S.E.R : I can’t, Unc ! Did you see the headlines ? « It won’t be coming home until Monstrissey leaves » ! « Football in a Coma : How Moorrissey fcupped us all up » ! They’re ALL hostile !!

M : Californian tan, Swiss bank account : remind me again why I should care.

S.E.R : Well ... it’s not American basketball so I don’t really care either Uncle...but people in the country still look like they’ve lost a team of Busty Babes, so I thought it’d be good for us to look upset too.

M : If we can’t make a cancerous Porium t .shirt out of it, leave it alone.

S.E.R : Right, Uncle . Still : how could they know that we would lose?!?

M : They didn’t, Silly. It was just a lucky guess.

S.E.R : But they always seem to know more than we do ; it’s upsetting, Uncle!

M : But they don’t really Silly, now do they ? They just make an awful lot of predictions, so some of them are bound to be accurate; after all, they say a broken clock is right twice a day.

S.E.R : But, isn’t that amazaballzing, Sir? I mean, that a broken clock should be right once and again, FAIR ENOUGH, but TWICE A DAY !!!?? These clocks should play the lottery !

M : Doesn’t work like that ; it never works if it’s for personal gain; anyway, I don’t see why you’re so impressed, my cumpadre also said Italy would win and I’ve seen his crystal balls on many sweaty occasions in Rome.

S.E.R. About that, Uncle…

M : What.

S.E.R. Well as you know I pride myself on having the instinct of a decapitated mole, and, I feel ...Well I ...people are not fully on board with a Jesse album.

M : Go on. If you dare.

S.E.R. It’s just the ‘ternet again Sir .

M : Example.

S.E.R. « How did having a picture of his friendboss’s bikinied dead mother on an altar full of booze help him compose anything, that’s what I’d like to know.»

M : How could these luddites understand how inspiration works.

S.E.R : They also say « I defended him when people were having a vendetta, but it’s crystal clear now Jesse Gonzales is the naffest douche in the West. »

M : Which is precisely why I love him. How can they see the love in our -

S.E.R : So, I shouldn’t worry too much, then ? When they said they saw me dead in a ditch near Las Vegas ?

M : Who ?

S.E.R : Maybe they were being metanautical ?

M :......They couldn’t tell you that themselves, I’m afraid.Will that be all ?

S .E.R : Well, no, Sir, I saw something on a forum and I’ve no idea who it’s about. Perhaps you could help… ?

M : Read it.

S.E.R : « The nephew calling people non-entities made me laugh out loud. Without his uncle, the creep would be a basketball coach in Arsekrac, Arkansas, hiding in changing-room lockers to take illicit pictures of teenage female players. »

M : Well, that comment is obviously about Nicholas Cage.

S.E.R : What about that one, Uncle ? « Your nephew he doesn’t have the gift of the gab, he doesn’t have the gift of the jab, in fact he seems to have no gifts whatsoever. »

M: Poor Nick, getting it in the neck like that...Still, they watch all his new films…

S.E.R : It’s so unfair Uncle, when they’ve stopped listening to your new songs. Surely they can’t be worse.

M : They have done WHAT ??

S.E.R : Maybe they’ll listen to Alain, but even that seems uncertain…

M : Let me guess, an internobody has a complaint.

S.E.R : I don’t know, Uncle, is that a complaint ? « I like Alain. God knows why, the guy seems to be walking a tightrope between laid back dude who’s got beef with noone and needlessly ingratiating session muso. It’s a shame, he should be Musical Director by now. Although, if he acknowledges Taenia Doeswell, he probably has no ambition...And with Jesse in the way... » No mention of a ditch. Will Alain be okay in Vegas, Uncle ?

M : Why should I care ?

S.E.R: Some people on the internet say playing in Vegas this summer when the world around you is burning is as grossly inappropriate as firing a gun at 6.30 A.M on Ascension Day and will be punished.

M : Oh so they’ve seen the sad rich, then ?

S.E.R. Don’t know Uncle. It was probably just a boozing bumpkin.

M : Same thing. Anyway, about Vegas, do you think I want to go? There are times I just want to turn my collar up and kung-kick my own team of American airheads, but thankfully that’s just one percent of me, the rest wants what Céline wants. So onwards I go, like sheep to the slaughter. And the dogs. And Alain will do the same, like it or lump it.

S.E.R. Speaking of which, people have a complaint about Uncle Iggy.

M : HERE WE GO AGAIN!! THE OLD SEX WITH UNDERAGE GIRL HYSTERIA !!! FOR CHRIST’S SAKE ! IT WAS DIFFERENT IN THOSE DAYS !! DO YOU HEAR ME !! DIFFERENT ! NOBODY GAVE A DAMN IF FRANK SINATRA SLEPT WITH HIS OWN D-

S.E.R : Nnnno Uncle, it’s not that. Look, here it is : « I’ve just heard Iggy on the radio, duetting with an absolute nobody. It’s like somebody paid an 80’s star to sing at their daughter’s quinceañera. I’ve lost all respect. »

M : Big deal. I too sing with nobodies!

S.E.R : But it’s different Uncle, nobody hears you. By the way, I’ve always wondered, if nobody listens, are you still a singer ?

M : Of course I am, Silly. Singing is my thing like the Internet is yours. Oh dear I didn’t mean it like that. I need to relax with Mrs Bubblestick now. Go away.

S.E.R. : Oh no you can’t Sir, Uncle Damona has gone shopping for scented candles.

M : Samuel. Due to some absurd gay gangster code of honour, I am forbidden to bash your skull in. But it pains me to note I’m probably more on the wavelength of bespectacled single ladies in Singapore than on yours.

S.E.R : But that’s impossible Uncle ! Nobody understands you more than your own family ! Blood is thicker !

M : Yes, precisely. It’s unfortunately very very thick in this case.
 
Last edited:

Barking

Well-Known Member
Dim City! For your sins
it's time for




Altrincham "far from home" Adventures/ Part 4



S.E.R: Uncle?

M: Now what.

S.E.R: It’s Stephen King, on the internet, he says that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but what doesn’t happen in Vegas, also stays in Vegas, because Vegas is the place where all things go to die !

M: It’s not him, Silly. Similar name, different Horror Person.

S.E.R: But Uncle, is it TRUE ?

M: We’ll soon find out for ourselves, won’t we. Now, put down that laptop for a moment. We need to have The Talk.

S.E.R: Oh no, I’ve been dreading that moment!

M: You have? Wait- what do you think The Talk is about?

S.E.R: Decarbonizing, ain’t it ?

M: Are you insane ? The Talk is about my Legacy, Numpty !

S.E.R: Oh I’m so relieved Uncle, when people talk about the future of the planet I can’t keep my eyes open. I see why you might be worried about how I’m going to use your fortune when you’re dead, but lemme tell you, you won’t be disappointed.

M: Well no, I’ll just be dead.

S.E.R: And won’t that be a relief? Anyway, it’s all taken care of, Uncle. Rememeber my bro?

M: The one who can’t sing?

S.E.R : No, Unc, my REAL Bro, Victor. Victor Descarga. The Photoshop Phenomenon, as they call him on the dark web. You’ve met him.

M :No, no idea who that is; and I told you they all look the same to me, Latinos.

S.E.R:Well Victor and me

M : Victor and I. Use the Queen’s English when addressing me.

S.E.R : Sorry your Mozjesty, Uncle. So :Victor and I, we’ve decided that with your money, to honour your memory, we’re going to set up our own company.

M : I’m not dead yet.

S.E.R : As good as, Uncle. We’re serious businessmen now, we need to plan ahead.

M : It’s funny how confident you’ve become. Everybody has become more confident around me recently. I wonder why that is. They all look like they’re in charge, and I’m not anymore. Anyway. You were saying. So you want to start your own record company. Risky, but why not…Perhaps we could sign that Ukrainian singer nobody bothered googling when I mentioned her because people kept thinking of Stewie and his Eastern mail-order bride and couldn’t stop giggling...Yes, perhaps.

S.E.R : But Uncle, it’s not a record company we want !!

M : But what ELSE could you POSSIBLY desire, SILLY ?

S.E.R : We want to start our own... Christmas card company, Uncle !

M : Oh dear God.

S.E.R : Guess what we’re going to call it, Uncle !

M : Well since I’m financially involved, I suppose there will be some kind of tribute... « We wish you a Morrissey Christmas » or something ?

S.E.R : Oh no Uncle, that wouldn’t sell at all. No, it’s very clever, Uncle. We’re going to call it : « We wish you a Monroe Christmas » !!!

M : Why didn’t I think of it.

S.E.R : It’s a brand new concept, Uncle. Basically, we’re going to « find » pictures of Santa in all kinds of funny positions on the ‘net, erase his face and put Marilyn’s face in instead. It’s very technical Uncle; but it’s also Art.

M : I don’t doubt it.

S.E.R : ...And Victor will make sure it’s all done with good taste and that you can still see her titties and everything.

M : That’s good. You don’t want to risk being sued by Santa.

S.E.R. Exactly, Uncle. I remember Grandma used to say, « If you see anything you like, steal it, but when the police come, make sure you repeat what the doctor said about your head. » I bet she said the same to you, didn’t she ?

M : Not exactly. To me she said, « Genius steals, talent borrows, mediocrity shoplifts and gets caught by the Walmart out-of-breath security guy. »

S.E.R : Did she really say that or did you just read it on the internet, Sir ?

M : Does it matter ? It’s mine now. Speaking of cartoon characters, did we get an apologetic letter from the Simpsons yet ?

S.E.R : Not yet, Sir. But I know for a fact Santa ‘s little helper has made a list, and you’re on it.

M: And what kind of list is it ?

S.E.R : Don’t remember. Soooo Unc, you’re super relieved your money will be put to good use, aintcha? I bet you are.

M : Well...it won’t be used to lobby against plastic production... train park rangers to stop poachers in Africa...Or anything that would reassure people ?

S.E.R : Not a chance.

M : Will you even hire mentally ill people to help you make those cards ?

S.E.R : Uncle, of course we won’t ! It will just be Victor and I ! You’re only leaving me fifty mil, remember ? I can’t work miracles !!

M : To be fair, I don’t think anybody expects you to. Now, piss off. I need to warm my woice and watch the Vegas episode of « Cats of Sunset » to know where it all goes wrong.
 

Barking

Well-Known Member
Hurry while stocks last!!!


Altrincham "Home and Away! Cheaper each day!"Adventures/ part 5

S.E.R: VivOOOOs los ViejOOOS! VivOOOOS LOS VIEJOOOS ! VIVOOOOOOOS VIVOOOOOOOS LOS V

M: -I wish you would stop singing in languages you don’t understand, Nephew. These are not the proper lyrics. Show some respect.

S.E.R : Sorry Uncle, I’m just so happy your residency is a triumph !

M : You’re just happy you’re still alive. It’ s not a triumph. A lot of people didn’t even bother checking the videos.

S.E.R : But the MERCH, Uncle !! The merch is a TRI-UMPH !!

M : Yes, incidentally, which idiot is responsible for boasting about merch sales on my site?

S.E.R : I’m not sure, Uncle.

M : People are already saying stuff like "that would never have happened on Bowy-Central". It makes me look like a total loser, counting every penny in the street like some 5-year-old chimney sweeper. Give me the name of the git immediately.

S.E.R : It’s cents, Uncle ; and I think the idea came from you… ?

M: Impertinent liar !- Was I drunk ?

S.E.R : I don’t think so, Uncle, it was only your ninth Vegas Vomito. But you know how Americans are, they’re not like you and me, they take everything literal.

M: Oh well. I suppose I can’t fire them now, I’ve got nobody else. Have I ?

S.E.R : No. And the thing is, Uncle, all your men, they get on so well !

M : Yes I must say I’ve grown quite fond of these expendables. It’s true I feel very comfortable in an all-male environment. I like men so much I’m thinking of hiring a few of these taliban lads we see on the telly...

S.E.R: Are you sure, Uncle ? I’ve heard they really really don’t like music !!

M : « They don’t like music » ! « They don’t like music » ! How can they say they don’t like something they’ve never TRIED ! They’ve never heard MY MUSIC !!!!

S.E.R : So are you going to make them try gay sex as well, Sir ?

M : Well, if they spend all their energy whipping people in the streets, I’m willing to bet they’ll love being chased around the pool with a wet towel... You know how I love being silly when on tour.

S.E.R : I do.

M : So. Let’s be serious. Any political comment about me on the internet ?

S .E.R : Nooo... Unless… That one maybe... « It’s ironic that M seemed to sympathize with a movement of people that for the most part just wanted to put petrol in their cars when he makes his own fans waste gallons of the stuff by going on endless journeys to see his tired Vegass. And he’s such a menace to the environment he could start a forest fire with a fart anyway.»

M : Nonsense. Have they checked loyd Cole’s carbon footprint ?

S.E.R : « As far as a revolution is concerned, does his mother turning in her grave count ? Because that’s the only revolution that’s going to happen, when she realizes, with all-seeing hindsight, what a superfluous shit-stirring simpleton her son is. » OH UNCLE !

M : ...

S.E.R : And... «Just because M longs for a far-right government to be in charge somewhere instead of the usual dopes ! »

M : I’m not far-right ! I’m just far-fetched ! They KNOW that !

S.E.R : « Nobody would bother fetching M these days. »

M : Oh come on...Even if I was thrown very very far ?

S.E.R : « Nope. » Uncle...I see you’re a bit upset. How about listening to your favourite Vegas residents ? Forget about internobodies for a while...Put your feet up...Get a foot massage...Listen to these timeless beauties...Your peers, Uncle.

M : Yes, I suppose this could help. Go on then.

S.E.R:
M: JESUS!!- What happened to Frank?

S.E.R:- Hang on let me try another track

M: WHAT on EARTH...?!?

S.E.R: There's something wrong with that recording Uncle. Here, this should work fine:

M: Oh for Heaven's sake! Disappear before you find Elvis!!!
 
Last edited:

Barking

Well-Known Member
For our one appreciative/surprised reader...
The best thing since sliced bread!





Altrincham "Leaving Las Vegas "Adventures/ Part 5




S.E.R: Uncle! People on the Internet say I wasn’t even in Vegas !

M : Yes, I was wondering when you were going to notice that.

S.E.R : But Uncle, I thought I was! So who was I talking to, all that time?!

M: Well, me, but we were skyping.

S .E .R : But I don’t remember texting from a very high building, Uncle ! Oh God ! Have the Vaxxers erased my memory?! Am I losing my spermatozoon ?! WHERE IS THE ANTIDOTE !

M : Calm down. Remember how everybody thought you were driving me badly in Rome, when you were quietly playing with your Marylin dollies at home ? Well it’s kind of like that again. People just assume you’re everywhere you needn’t be.

S.E.R: So THAT’s why nothing horrendous happened ! I wasn’t nowhere near Las Vegas!!

M : Yes. I took Alain with me as lucky charm anyway. And that innocent man, Solomon. I knew with those two cherubs around, and a couple of folks nobody wanted to see hurt in the audience, my arse was covered.

S.E.R : Some people might call that cheating, Uncle.

M : Don’t care.

S.E.R : Maybe we just bought ourselves some time, like in the Final Destination franchise!

M : Maybe YOU did. It’s very clear I’m here to stay. By the way, I have to tell you you’ve disappointed quite a lot of people. Remember when you said you had a big announcement to make ? People thought you were going to announce your Retirement from the Internet, and they’d already opened the bubbly when you announced I had just recorded a new album. Even I felt let down. I don’t pay you to be anticlimatic.

S.E.R : I told you climate wasn’t my forte ! Look at that Uncle ! A drought here ! A tornado there! Flowers to the left of us ! Floods to the right! I can’t follow any of this! All I ever wanted was to count walking t-shirts, and be happy, like my homey J.J ! And eat for free!

M: Well you do that most of the time.

S.E .R : Uncle, I cook, too ! I’m very good at vegan cupcakes.

M : You are ?

S.E.R : Oh yes ; here’s how you make them : you take a piece of vegan burrito. You add a dollop of guac on top and voilà ! Bueno, Pepito !

M : Pleased don’t speak Italian. And where did you get that recipe from, Samosa ?

"Ratatouille" ?

S.E.R : Oh no Uncle ! Mum never let me watch that film. She says it’s too full of feminists…But no, Uncle, I don’t think that’s why people were disappointed. It’s just...When I said « big announcement », they knew it was unrealistic to hope I would go away, so they concluded you were finally going to tie the knot.

M : Side-splitting. Where did they get that loony idea from ?

S.E.R : I think they were inspired by the gay episode of « Say I Do », Uncle.

M : Jesus. First « Cats of Sunset », now that…And I thought my fans were intellectuals...

S.E.R : It’s about these two guys, they’re too ashamed to hold hands in public so they go to this cabaret, the small gay Asian tailor tells everybody how his ma and da won’t let him have a wedding, the gay Italian cook cries ...And that’s how the two guys decide to get married.

M : Idiots. Do they at least get a pre-nup ?

S.E.R : What’s « internalized homophobia », Uncle ?

M : Nothing you or I have, I assure you. And who was I supposed to be knotted with? I don’t even tie Donnie Knutsack. Although I have a feeling he’d like me to.

S.E.R : Oh no, people on the internet don’t think it’s him. They know for sure you don’t date gnomes.

M : That’s true. I’ve dated everything...Super Mario...Tom of Finland...I even watched strip-teasers with the daughter of a Meow-fficial…But...

S.E.R : But one has to draw the line somewhere, Uncle. You’re not Simone de Beaver.

M : Who ?

S.E.R : You know, the foreign lesbian, with the small deformed boyfriend with the Coke-bottles glasses...How can people be so ugly, Uncle ? How can they even live !

M:It’s a question of genes. And lighting.

S.E.R : So true, Uncle. As a good-looking photographer, I know this. But, we can wonder if, for less fortunate, more ordinary people, beauty lasts forever. I came across this testimony on the ‘net...Here : « For a few months in my twenties my weight was normal, I had some muscles, a healthy-ish skin, every morning I’d look at myself in the mirror and exclaim, Amagad! I’m gorgeous !! ...I really thought then somebody was going to propose, but all that happened was, people stopped crossing themselves when they saw me. »

M : Cute story. Anyway. I’m not marrying anybody, and that’s final.

S.E.R : I don’t think people truly believed you would, Uncle. See this example on the hitched-or-ditched.com forum : « M ? Getting married ? Rofl ! All he wants is someone to look after him, someone he wouldn’t have to pay attention to ! A personal assistant, not a person ! »

M : It’s true. If the cat could make a decent cup of tea, I wouldn’t have to have a live-in man. But I suspect he pisses in it.

S.E.R : It’s great how you don’t need anybody, but everybody needs you, Uncle.

M : Well surely not EVERYbody…

S.E.R : Even when you treat people like garbage, they come back crawling. I so want to be like you when I grow up !

M : Well first, sonny, I never treat people like garbage. I ask my guitarist to treat them like garbage. Or I ask an employee to leave a note on a windscreen while I put on a martyr’s face. I never get personally involved. Second, never underestimate the power of the dollar bill.

S.E.R : Life just seems so simple when you explain it, Uncle. I could listen to you all day.

M : I’d love you to do that, but I’ve got to get drunk and photographed badly with Martino for an insta op.

S.E.R : Maurice ? The guy who makes waves ?

M: Martino, not Martenot. And how on earth have you heard of that man ?!

S.E.R : I’ve just read his name on the internet, like everybody else.

M : Oh. Of course. Not, not Maurice. Alison.

S.E.R : People won’t know who that is, Uncle. You’d impress them more if you posed with Alyssa Milano.

M : Who that. Is she the daughter of a kaput crooner ?

S.E.R : No...

M : Is she far-right ?

S.E.R : No, Uncle, but she’s a babe.

M : What do you know about women. If I want a babe, I’ve got Anne-Marie. Talking about females, ask Jesse if he’s finished his anti-abortion hymn. I want to play it in Chicago.

S.E.R : Are you going to ask Kristeen to do backing vocals on this one, Uncle ?

M : Yes. I don’t see how she could refuse. What do people say about her returning ?

S.E.R : Not much...Oh yes, there’s this : « Kristeen forgives. God forgives. I don’t. »

M: In that order ? They don’t half fancy themselves, do they ? Any other mood worth sharing ?

S.E.R : Well, people really can’t believe I’m a Virgo.

M : Ha Ha Ha-strological Hihilarity. Well I can’t very well change your sign because they think it’s wrong, can I ?

S.E.R : No, go ahead, Uncle, I really don’t mind...

M : Ah Sammy... If only people who criticize you knew what a sweet, compliant young man you are... Whooza good boy ??!

S.E.R : Er...Er... No, sorry, I really really don’t know the answer to that one, Uncle.
 
Last edited:
Top Bottom