T
The Artist Formally Known as "Mud"
Guest
something to read if you are bored: all of the jokes in my "in-box" the past few days...
---
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
* * * * * * * *
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the
following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting
other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing
the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed
the
assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
---
To be sung to the tune of Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive".
MALE VERSION
First I was afraid I was petrified
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd
Assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and
I Can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face,
my nose has vanished not a trace,
I only hope that you're big knickers aren't
Made of liquorice lace
I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave
Only hope that no one saw me walking home
With such a slut.
God the things that you get up to
when you're half cut.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly
Breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what
Made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just
Filled up with water
It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting she wants sex on her
Dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the alco-hol-ics curse.
I WILL SURVIVE !
*********************************************************************
To which the girls reply.........
FEMALE VERSION
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly w*nker that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've
Tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in
Your crusty bed...
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that
I've fallen on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess,
it's just a brokenout disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your
F###ing ugly face...!
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes
Me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking
Spirts and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you
Looked just like Richard Gere !
Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're
An ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate,
At least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm
Stuck with you, you twat.
It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going
To have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me
Want to be a nun !
I WILL SURVIVE!!
---
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents'
house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting
the
family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and
begin
eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort,
thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are
almost
making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself
a bit
and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone
at the
table
heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be
embarrassed,
her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had
been
snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern
voice,
"Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came
across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was
beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't
even
hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few
minutes
later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she
didn't
even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a
train whistle
blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with
disgust
and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before
she shits on you!"
---
Important Tax Note
The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to
the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of
the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10%
of the time it is in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they are NUTS.
Effective January 1, 2002, penises will be taxed according to
size.
The brackets are as follows:
10"-12" luxury tax
8"-10" pole tax
5"-8" privilege tax
4"-5" nuisance tax
Male exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
Issues still under consideration are as follows:
Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductibles as work clothes?
---
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're
full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people
learn to see it
my
way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message..
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a
word you're
saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us
again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't
give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by
your unique
point of
view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't
mean you're an
artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is
purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely
ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent
lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of
it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just
wanted pay checks.
---
The Digger
An old man and woman were married for years, even
though they hated each other. When they had a
confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard
deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When
I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and
come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced
black magic because of the many strange occurrences
that took place in their neighborhood. The old man
liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief,
he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife
had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial,
she went straight to the local bar and began to
party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors,
concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid
that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out
of the grave and come back and haunt you for the
rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old
bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
---
Subject: OOOPS
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said oh shit, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.
---
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's
test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a
bit of a
mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your
wife to the
lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and
we are now
uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or
terrible!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and
the other for
AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for
these expensive
tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of
town. If she
finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
---
NEW LA Drivers Exam
For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in
California, here
is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you
who do,
study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions
(and culture)
are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the
California
Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special
application and
driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:___________________ Stage name: ____________________
Agent:___________________ Attorney:_______________________
Therapist name:_________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female
____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor
vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone, please
explain:________________________
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ]
Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all
that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading
Please indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____
If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car
on the news
in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for
911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.
In the event of an earthquake, you should :
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.
When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form
ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
Freeway.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring
yourself of a hefty lawsuit.
When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?
Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn
The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) dark, poorly lit roads
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) revenge!
Your rear view mirror is for:
a) watching for approaching cars
b) watching for approaching police cars
c) checking your hair
---
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a very deep,
husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke, you should know something:
(1) The bartender is blonde.
(2) The bouncer is blonde.
(3) I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black
belt in karate.
(4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde, she is a
weightlifter, and her muscles have muscles.
(5) The lady to your right is a blonde and a pro wrestler.
"Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah,... not if I'm gonna have to explain it
five times..."
---
Look very closely to find the mistake in the photo. Turn your sound on, it will help.
What's wrong w/ this picture? Look closely and keep looking until you find it. Having your speakers on can help too. J
http://werewolf.prv.pl/flash/whatswrong.swf
---
CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to
Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on
earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is
left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
---
Life's Ironies
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "GUESS" on it. I said, "Implants?"
I don't do drugs any more 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing
up really fast.
Sign in Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get
elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in
value.
There are two sides to every divorce -- your's and Shithead's.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now
THAT'S
a message!!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want
to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me
lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've
stayed alive.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits
on
the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for
Miss
America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section
in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't
pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
---
Useful Engineering Conversions
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1
bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think
about it)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
2 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale
University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League
---
Why Men are not Secretaries
HUSBAND'S NOTE ON REFRIGERATOR TO HIS WIFE:
Someone from the Guyna College's office called. They said Pabst Beer is normal.
---
EVER WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF 'ABBY' WAS A MAN?
Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with me and my sister .
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing, your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
---
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/greetings/lep_shamrock.asp
---
---
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
* * * * * * * *
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the
following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting
other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing
the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed
the
assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
---
To be sung to the tune of Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive".
MALE VERSION
First I was afraid I was petrified
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd
Assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and
I Can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face,
my nose has vanished not a trace,
I only hope that you're big knickers aren't
Made of liquorice lace
I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave
Only hope that no one saw me walking home
With such a slut.
God the things that you get up to
when you're half cut.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly
Breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what
Made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just
Filled up with water
It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting she wants sex on her
Dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the alco-hol-ics curse.
I WILL SURVIVE !
*********************************************************************
To which the girls reply.........
FEMALE VERSION
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly w*nker that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've
Tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in
Your crusty bed...
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that
I've fallen on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess,
it's just a brokenout disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your
F###ing ugly face...!
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes
Me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking
Spirts and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you
Looked just like Richard Gere !
Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're
An ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate,
At least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm
Stuck with you, you twat.
It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going
To have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me
Want to be a nun !
I WILL SURVIVE!!
---
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents'
house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting
the
family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and
begin
eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort,
thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are
almost
making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself
a bit
and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone
at the
table
heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be
embarrassed,
her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had
been
snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern
voice,
"Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came
across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was
beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't
even
hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few
minutes
later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she
didn't
even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a
train whistle
blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with
disgust
and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before
she shits on you!"
---
Important Tax Note
The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to
the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of
the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10%
of the time it is in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they are NUTS.
Effective January 1, 2002, penises will be taxed according to
size.
The brackets are as follows:
10"-12" luxury tax
8"-10" pole tax
5"-8" privilege tax
4"-5" nuisance tax
Male exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
Issues still under consideration are as follows:
Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductibles as work clothes?
---
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're
full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people
learn to see it
my
way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message..
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a
word you're
saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us
again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't
give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by
your unique
point of
view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't
mean you're an
artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is
purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely
ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent
lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of
it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just
wanted pay checks.
---
The Digger
An old man and woman were married for years, even
though they hated each other. When they had a
confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard
deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When
I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and
come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced
black magic because of the many strange occurrences
that took place in their neighborhood. The old man
liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief,
he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife
had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial,
she went straight to the local bar and began to
party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors,
concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid
that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out
of the grave and come back and haunt you for the
rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old
bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
---
Subject: OOOPS
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said oh shit, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.
---
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's
test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a
bit of a
mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your
wife to the
lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and
we are now
uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or
terrible!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and
the other for
AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for
these expensive
tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of
town. If she
finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
---
NEW LA Drivers Exam
For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in
California, here
is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you
who do,
study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions
(and culture)
are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the
California
Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special
application and
driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:___________________ Stage name: ____________________
Agent:___________________ Attorney:_______________________
Therapist name:_________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female
____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor
vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone, please
explain:________________________
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ]
Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all
that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading
Please indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____
If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car
on the news
in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for
911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.
In the event of an earthquake, you should :
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.
When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form
ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
Freeway.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring
yourself of a hefty lawsuit.
When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?
Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn
The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) dark, poorly lit roads
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) revenge!
Your rear view mirror is for:
a) watching for approaching cars
b) watching for approaching police cars
c) checking your hair
---
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a very deep,
husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke, you should know something:
(1) The bartender is blonde.
(2) The bouncer is blonde.
(3) I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black
belt in karate.
(4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde, she is a
weightlifter, and her muscles have muscles.
(5) The lady to your right is a blonde and a pro wrestler.
"Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah,... not if I'm gonna have to explain it
five times..."
---
Look very closely to find the mistake in the photo. Turn your sound on, it will help.
What's wrong w/ this picture? Look closely and keep looking until you find it. Having your speakers on can help too. J
http://werewolf.prv.pl/flash/whatswrong.swf
---
CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to
Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on
earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is
left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
---
Life's Ironies
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "GUESS" on it. I said, "Implants?"
I don't do drugs any more 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing
up really fast.
Sign in Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get
elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in
value.
There are two sides to every divorce -- your's and Shithead's.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now
THAT'S
a message!!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want
to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me
lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've
stayed alive.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits
on
the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for
Miss
America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section
in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't
pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
---
Useful Engineering Conversions
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1
bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think
about it)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
2 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale
University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League
---
Why Men are not Secretaries
HUSBAND'S NOTE ON REFRIGERATOR TO HIS WIFE:
Someone from the Guyna College's office called. They said Pabst Beer is normal.
---
EVER WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF 'ABBY' WAS A MAN?
Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with me and my sister .
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing, your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
---
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/greetings/lep_shamrock.asp
---
