I feel as though, or have discovered through one way or another, that I have been the butt of a cosmic joke for a very long time. It manifests itself, clues to the joke, a Horus dominating the essence of the Set inside me, us, in interesting ways. I am attempting to reclaim my life from this slavery of having been tied to the machine that wants me to be dominated, tricked, in a coma, drowning, whatever. I am currently trapped it feels, asked to prove, prove, prove. Traces of the Shu who is Setting me up to prove in empty boxes around the cluttered house I straighten, or am tired of straightening. I go to a show last night and have a blast, only to step outside while my friend has a cigarette to hear a litany of rumors to knock me down. But the way they're told or recalled, is suspicious. It's part of the moon trick the sun in me is expected to conquer and get past, but I'd like to share with you a piece of what my life was like for 15+ years with the man who tormented me. I am tired of sunning the moons, I need to recover from the hell of years of years of the following email, a great example of a trick turned somewhere for whatever reason while I get the flotsum of the trick, the domination. I need calm and normal, honest love, not love in disguises and through masks.
In the email you will read from Evan what seems like a completely reasonable assessment of a dysfunctional relationship. In it he feels as though he was not provided for. What you have to understand is that in his recollection of events, he is grossly exaggerating my incompetence or failure to provide. That is his modus operandi. If I argue that he is wrong in recalling his facts, I am being combative, further proving that I am petulant. This is just an email. In person these tirades would go on endlessly for hours and there was NOTHING I could say that would soothe, or that was right. There was nothing I could do. It was my function to shut down and take it. It was my function to be apologetic, the fault of whatever ill or wrong, the problem. At times it escalated to physical violence. If I cried I was doing so for attention. He would make up ideas that I had in my head, ideas that I wanted to be lavished with attention. I did not, I am shy and reserved. In this case I am emailing him from an internet cafe, sleeping in my car, (so many times) afraid to come home, looking for the magical words that would allow me to be in his good graces so that I wasn;t emotionally abused. I am not kidding, these tirades would ceaselessly go on for 6-8 hours. So...perhaps this helps people or myself maybe in understanding why I am so tired. Why I don't want to, I dunno. Do this.
Keep in mind everything he says is honestly exaggerated. THe "emergency meeting" was not, it was a regular appointment with my state-sanctioned shrink. Yes I was on meds at the time, they were antipsychotics, I see signs, they didn't make it stop. Medicine doesn't make coincidences go away. The medicine was not behavior modification, I did not act bizarre or out of control, it was designed to help me not follow signs and go chasing after them looking for whoever was going to treat me with love. I was looking for a Horus who would love me, I was reading those signs at the time.
Your behavior was so beyond acceptable that it was
necessary to have a special (emergency) meeting with
Daimon and your psychiatrist Thursday. Two days later
it was like starting all over again. We start all over
again at least twice a week.
You're not going to take your medicine. You're not
going to schedule and keep track of things. You're not
going to keep your promises to Daimon, to me, or to
anyone else. You're not going to do anything that does
not put you first. So, where do we go from here? I
will take my medicine, you'll see. (If that's what I
decide to do.) I will keep my promises to Daimon,
because it's not too late to start over. (If that's
what I decide to do.) I'll make up for your birthday.
(Just as soon as I think of something.) I don't have
to be first. I'm going to put others first. I going to
put you first. (Just as soon as I don't have to pay
any attention to you.)
How much energy am I expected to devote to you? How
little am I expected to receive in return? What
exactly should I think when you agree, as you did
yesterday, that your behavior was self-centered and
unacceptable, but say in your defense, "It just seemed
like you were in such a good mood that I didn't have
to do anything."
People are expected to do the right thing because it's
right. They are expected to keep promises because they
make them. And, they're expected to consider the life
and needs of the person they live with not just
because there's something they want. If I'm in a good
mood, then you can ignore me as being something
irrelevant. If I'm in a bad mood, then you suddenly
remember insulin, or you bring me a bowl of cold
cereal with too much sugar and too much milk plopped
down on the computer desk. That's already a big effort
on your part.
If there's a dinner you want and a movie that you're
anxious to see, you become very talkative. You ask
lots and lots of questions and pretend to care about
the answers. UNTIL YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT. If you make
promises along the way, by the start of the movie you
have completely forgotten them.
It must be terrible to live in a world where there are
other people besides yourself deserving of attention.
In a perfect world, maybe in the world after they
finally succeed in showing you who you actually are,
people would realize just how insignificant and
undeserving they are. They would spend the entire day
doing nothing but praising you and tending to your
needs.
But, here I am explaining things to you once again
from the beginning. When you were sixteen I had to
explain please and thank you. I'm still explaining
that fifteen years later. Caring about someone is not
just saying, "I care about you." It's doing things.
Not just random things every once in a while to get
something in return. Caring should be a gift. Not a
birthday gift where everything obviously means
nothing, but a true and complete gift. You have no
trouble giving yourself gifts, no trouble giving gifts
to people who might invite you to the concert or
praise you in public, give you a good grade or be your
friend in front of others. But, giving a gift as a
free act of caring is so foreign to you that it
constitutes, in my opinion, proof of mental
derangement. My birthday was almost two months ago and
I'm still waiting for a birthday cake or a special
dinner. I'm still waiting for a meaningful gift that
isn't something I already have. I'm waiting to see the
gift your mother sent me. Is it in the trunk, in a
laundry bag, did it get stuffed in the Honda? And, I'm
still waiting for you to call my boys and tell them
that a message on the answering machine isn't enough,
but that would require caring enough to pick up the
phone and call. The call should have been made before
my birthday, but perhaps we should just wait and see
what happens.
Always the same story, always from the beginning. I'm
too old for this. I'm not too old for a meaningful
relationship. Is one ever too old for good health and
happiness? But I'm far too old to have my life mangled
by someone with the mental characteristics of a
selfish five-year-old. I'm not convinced for a moment
that your behavior is determined by your illness. I
think your illness has provided you with a perfect
alibi for selfish, thoughtless behavior. You don't
have enough moral fiber to do what's right on your
own, and there's no one in a position to exert control
over your behavior like a parent would with a
five-year-old in need of limits and training.
So, you run off in the night for Las Vegas or Santa
Barbara or to gather sympathy and attention. You ask
for ten more days to think of some way to show that
you care when ten minutes is enough to forget what the
ten days were for. And you'll do exactly the same
thing next week if there's any demand put on you to
show simple caring for another, especially for me.
Be crazy. Skip your medicine. Put yourself first. Have
big excuses and keep everything secret. It's your
life. Why should anyone else count but you?
EJ
PS I have a great idea. Why don't we have this same
exact conversation tomorrow.
--- CG wrote:
> EJ,
>
> I spent the night in the car, too afraid to come
> home. You said vicious, evil things to me. I called
> in sick at work and am half contemplating committing
> myself. I'm so sick of my illness. It hurts and I
> suffer silently. I try to put on a face of normal
> for you and everyone, but I'm not. I'm a sick
> person. And extremely exhausted by it all. And, it's
> apparent by your words last night that you are
> suffering MORE than I am, enough to want me to be
> dead? This has to stop. I didn't go to church
> because I'm embarrassed, I'm not sure what you've
> already told them. I don't want you to threaten my
> job and the people I know. I wouldn't ever do that
> to you. I'm so sorry about this, about f***ing up
> our lives. I'm so sorry. I'll check my mail in a few
> hours.
>
> CG
>
>
In the email you will read from Evan what seems like a completely reasonable assessment of a dysfunctional relationship. In it he feels as though he was not provided for. What you have to understand is that in his recollection of events, he is grossly exaggerating my incompetence or failure to provide. That is his modus operandi. If I argue that he is wrong in recalling his facts, I am being combative, further proving that I am petulant. This is just an email. In person these tirades would go on endlessly for hours and there was NOTHING I could say that would soothe, or that was right. There was nothing I could do. It was my function to shut down and take it. It was my function to be apologetic, the fault of whatever ill or wrong, the problem. At times it escalated to physical violence. If I cried I was doing so for attention. He would make up ideas that I had in my head, ideas that I wanted to be lavished with attention. I did not, I am shy and reserved. In this case I am emailing him from an internet cafe, sleeping in my car, (so many times) afraid to come home, looking for the magical words that would allow me to be in his good graces so that I wasn;t emotionally abused. I am not kidding, these tirades would ceaselessly go on for 6-8 hours. So...perhaps this helps people or myself maybe in understanding why I am so tired. Why I don't want to, I dunno. Do this.
Keep in mind everything he says is honestly exaggerated. THe "emergency meeting" was not, it was a regular appointment with my state-sanctioned shrink. Yes I was on meds at the time, they were antipsychotics, I see signs, they didn't make it stop. Medicine doesn't make coincidences go away. The medicine was not behavior modification, I did not act bizarre or out of control, it was designed to help me not follow signs and go chasing after them looking for whoever was going to treat me with love. I was looking for a Horus who would love me, I was reading those signs at the time.
Your behavior was so beyond acceptable that it was
necessary to have a special (emergency) meeting with
Daimon and your psychiatrist Thursday. Two days later
it was like starting all over again. We start all over
again at least twice a week.
You're not going to take your medicine. You're not
going to schedule and keep track of things. You're not
going to keep your promises to Daimon, to me, or to
anyone else. You're not going to do anything that does
not put you first. So, where do we go from here? I
will take my medicine, you'll see. (If that's what I
decide to do.) I will keep my promises to Daimon,
because it's not too late to start over. (If that's
what I decide to do.) I'll make up for your birthday.
(Just as soon as I think of something.) I don't have
to be first. I'm going to put others first. I going to
put you first. (Just as soon as I don't have to pay
any attention to you.)
How much energy am I expected to devote to you? How
little am I expected to receive in return? What
exactly should I think when you agree, as you did
yesterday, that your behavior was self-centered and
unacceptable, but say in your defense, "It just seemed
like you were in such a good mood that I didn't have
to do anything."
People are expected to do the right thing because it's
right. They are expected to keep promises because they
make them. And, they're expected to consider the life
and needs of the person they live with not just
because there's something they want. If I'm in a good
mood, then you can ignore me as being something
irrelevant. If I'm in a bad mood, then you suddenly
remember insulin, or you bring me a bowl of cold
cereal with too much sugar and too much milk plopped
down on the computer desk. That's already a big effort
on your part.
If there's a dinner you want and a movie that you're
anxious to see, you become very talkative. You ask
lots and lots of questions and pretend to care about
the answers. UNTIL YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT. If you make
promises along the way, by the start of the movie you
have completely forgotten them.
It must be terrible to live in a world where there are
other people besides yourself deserving of attention.
In a perfect world, maybe in the world after they
finally succeed in showing you who you actually are,
people would realize just how insignificant and
undeserving they are. They would spend the entire day
doing nothing but praising you and tending to your
needs.
But, here I am explaining things to you once again
from the beginning. When you were sixteen I had to
explain please and thank you. I'm still explaining
that fifteen years later. Caring about someone is not
just saying, "I care about you." It's doing things.
Not just random things every once in a while to get
something in return. Caring should be a gift. Not a
birthday gift where everything obviously means
nothing, but a true and complete gift. You have no
trouble giving yourself gifts, no trouble giving gifts
to people who might invite you to the concert or
praise you in public, give you a good grade or be your
friend in front of others. But, giving a gift as a
free act of caring is so foreign to you that it
constitutes, in my opinion, proof of mental
derangement. My birthday was almost two months ago and
I'm still waiting for a birthday cake or a special
dinner. I'm still waiting for a meaningful gift that
isn't something I already have. I'm waiting to see the
gift your mother sent me. Is it in the trunk, in a
laundry bag, did it get stuffed in the Honda? And, I'm
still waiting for you to call my boys and tell them
that a message on the answering machine isn't enough,
but that would require caring enough to pick up the
phone and call. The call should have been made before
my birthday, but perhaps we should just wait and see
what happens.
Always the same story, always from the beginning. I'm
too old for this. I'm not too old for a meaningful
relationship. Is one ever too old for good health and
happiness? But I'm far too old to have my life mangled
by someone with the mental characteristics of a
selfish five-year-old. I'm not convinced for a moment
that your behavior is determined by your illness. I
think your illness has provided you with a perfect
alibi for selfish, thoughtless behavior. You don't
have enough moral fiber to do what's right on your
own, and there's no one in a position to exert control
over your behavior like a parent would with a
five-year-old in need of limits and training.
So, you run off in the night for Las Vegas or Santa
Barbara or to gather sympathy and attention. You ask
for ten more days to think of some way to show that
you care when ten minutes is enough to forget what the
ten days were for. And you'll do exactly the same
thing next week if there's any demand put on you to
show simple caring for another, especially for me.
Be crazy. Skip your medicine. Put yourself first. Have
big excuses and keep everything secret. It's your
life. Why should anyone else count but you?
EJ
PS I have a great idea. Why don't we have this same
exact conversation tomorrow.
--- CG wrote:
> EJ,
>
> I spent the night in the car, too afraid to come
> home. You said vicious, evil things to me. I called
> in sick at work and am half contemplating committing
> myself. I'm so sick of my illness. It hurts and I
> suffer silently. I try to put on a face of normal
> for you and everyone, but I'm not. I'm a sick
> person. And extremely exhausted by it all. And, it's
> apparent by your words last night that you are
> suffering MORE than I am, enough to want me to be
> dead? This has to stop. I didn't go to church
> because I'm embarrassed, I'm not sure what you've
> already told them. I don't want you to threaten my
> job and the people I know. I wouldn't ever do that
> to you. I'm so sorry about this, about f***ing up
> our lives. I'm so sorry. I'll check my mail in a few
> hours.
>
> CG
>
>
