Self Inflicted

I usually keep things inside.Sometimes the only way they come out is through thse words I write or the cuts and scars on my arm.My self inflicted wounds speak for me. They say what I can`t.I feel like I am trying to make my outsides match with my insides.Inside I feel ugly and hurt.I feel like I deserve to be hurt and punished.So I hurt and punish myself.I make myself ugly outside too.

All through my school years I was always daydreaming wishing that I wasn`t there. I was always off in my own little world. I had a pretty vivid imagination. It really annoys me when these meds or the illness itself takes that away from me. I hate that blank,empty,nothing feeling.I can`t read or concentrate.I just sit on my bed and stare into the tv because that`s all I can manage to do. I can`t even escape into my daydreams anymore because I don`t/can`t have them anymore.I guess my other way of escaping is self harm. It`s an escape for a moment.I know it`s hard to make sense of but it works for me.I feel...maybe that if I bleed enough maybe all the ugliness and hurt will be released.

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Caroline says while biting her lip
Life is meant to be more than this
And this a bum trip

Caroline Says II
~Lou Reed~