What kind of sad world do we live in when Kevin Federline is considered the responsible parent of the two?
Spears loses custody of children
LOS ANGELES, California (CNN) -- A court has ordered pop mime sensation Britney Spears to give up custody of her two children effective Wednesday at noon.
Reached for comment, Spears told reporters, "Two kids? I have two kids?"
Spears' former husband, Kevin Federline, is to retain custody of their two sons "until they are old enough to realize their dad is a schmuck," according to a ruling by Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon.
It was not clear what led to Monday's decision awarding Federline full custody, although hallucinogenic drugs and a bribe were probably involved. A transcript of the court proceedings was ordered sealed until the two children and Federline learn how to read.
Last month, a judge ordered Spears, 25, to submit to random drug tests after finding she engaged in "habitual, frequent, and continuous use of controlled substances and alcohol."
That order, also by Gordon, provided no details and did not name any drugs, largely because Spears could apparently only describe having taken "pretty white powders".
The former couple has been embroiled in a bitter custody fight over their sons, Sean Preston and Jayden. The parents had split custody 50-50, but Federline then asked for the arrangements to be shifted to 80-35 in his favor. When a judge explained this was mathematically impossible, Federline reportedly answered that the judge was an "elitist book learnin' yankee" whose expertise he would challenge in the Supreme Court if necessary.
In addition to ordering the twice-weekly drug tests, Gordon ordered Spears to spend at least eight hours per week fully conscious. In addition, she would have worked with a "parenting coach" who would observe her interactions with her children to make sure their daily ration of pork rinds did not exceed the recommended FDA dosage.
Gordon also told both parents to avoid alcohol or "other non-prescription controlled substances" 12 hours before taking custody of the children except in cases where the use of these substances would cause sterility.
He also barred the exes from making "derogatory remarks about the other party" during the case. Gordon's order to have the vocal chords of both Federline and Spears removed was overturned by a lower court.
And he ordered the parents to go through "joint co-parenting counseling" and barred them from using corporal punishment on the boys, thereby ensuring they would grow up to be spoiled, entitled children living off their parents' riches. Reached for comment, Federline chuckled: "He said 'joint'".
Spears and Federline were married for two years before their divorce became final in July. Spears had said it had been her lifelong dream to be married and divorced numerous times and appreciated Federline's help in getting her started.
The singer's publicist said she would look forward to many years of ruining her childrens' lives like the screeching banshees of folklore. "She's in a great place right now. Really excited. She's watching 'Mommie Dearest' as we speak", the publicist noted.
Monday's order comes amid a career freefall for Spears, whose new album is due to be released November 13 to a public that is finally realizing she has no talent.
After her September 9 "comeback" performance on the MTV Video Music Awards, critics derided her singing and dancing as lackluster and said she appeared overweight in her sequined two-piece costume. Her former divorce lawyer, Laura Wasser, resigned last month as her legal representative after telling reporters the singer "just wants to be a mom. I mean, come on-- Britney? Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous in your life?"
Spears' management company, the Firm, recently quit after representing the singer for little over a month after her agents failed to land a return gig on the Mickey Mouse Club, which refused to take their calls.
In a related story, photos of Spears and Federline have reportedly been used in a new campaign by scientists to show the impossibility of Intelligent Design.